No Explanations Necessary

Last night, I tossed and turned. I've got a cold, and every few minutes I found myself needing another sip of water or another tissue. To distract myself from discomfort and lull myself to sleep, I grabbed my Kindle to read Ch. 3 of The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen: 

Although claiming my true identity as a child of God, I still live as though the God to whom I am returning demands an explanation. I still think about his love as conditional and about home as a place I am not yet fully sure of... God remains a harsh, judgmental God. It is this God who makes me feel guilty and worried and calls up in me all these self-serving apologies. Submission to this God does not create true inner freedom, but breeds only bitterness and resentment.

Nouwen explores Jesus' parable in Luke 15 and the painting Rembrandt created in great detail, sharing his own journey throughout the book. Before finally falling asleep, my foggy brain had a moment of clarity. As a perfectionist, I often go to bed planning a more productive, more awesome day than the one I just finished. I make excuses for why I didn't accomplish enough, pray enough, love enough. And as I reflect on how I've walked with God, I think, "Well, at least I'm learning." At least I'm not falling into exactly the same traps, doing "better" than I was a few years ago, recovering from my screw-ups faster. Instead, a grace-filled mindset invites me to think, "Thank you God for teaching me!"

Being sick last night, that cycle was interrupted - I just couldn't psych myself up for the next day and certainly didn't feel bitter towards myself about resting. I did wish I had spent more time praying to God. But instead of feeling regret for that, I realized this whole process of learning isn't something I need to claw my way upward through. 

Perfectionism, as twisted as it is, has one thing right - perfection is a good thing. But perfection isn't something I push myself to achieve; it's a gift I am receiving even now from my Father because I keep returning home as his daughter. I don't need to offer up learning and growing as an apology for falling short. It's always good when God interrupts the status quo to show us how our thoughts and actions have kept us trapped in sin and death and invites us back home to experience his love as the pure gift that brings freedom, no explanations necessary.